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Ah, the first time. You have an expectation in your mind of how it’s suppose to go. And then there’s the reality of how it actually went. I can’t complain too much about my first time. I was lucky enough to have it be with someone who meant something to me. My high school boyfriend. We had been dating for a few months. 

He was the first boy that looked at me like I was special. Most of us had an awkward phase in high school and mine was freshman year. Sophomore year I tried out for the cheerleading squad and got braces. Boys started to look at me and I felt pretty for the first time in my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I was still a nerd on the inside, but I had a pretty cool costume. 

Fast forward to junior year and that’s when I started dating Steven. He hung out with the ‘in’ crowd. I’m not really sure why he liked me and I didn’t take it seriously at first, but there he was. We went to formal together and it was the first time, actually the only time, I went to a dance in high school with a guy that I liked romantically. 

Steven was the first guy who took care of me. I had a lot of firsts with him. The first time I got drunk (He wasn’t actually there but he took care of me afterwards) The first time I got high (Wasn’t there either, but we were dating). The first time I went to a party in high school with all the popular kids. It was a winter to remember. 

We had made a decision that our first time was going to be Valentine’s Day. I was 16 and a Junior. Steven made my day so special. After every class, I went to my locker and had surprises waiting for me. One surprise was a stuffed koala bear, my favorite animal. Another was a Spongebob Squarepants coloring book because, “stoners love Spongebob,” which he had written inside. It all led up to after school when we met at his house. 

I’m not sure if what we did that afternoon actually qualified as our first time, but we definitely tried and it definitely happened later. It wasn’t about what happened that afternoon that mattered but everything that happened up to that point. I felt special for the first time in my life and like I meant something to someone. I can’t say there have been many times I can remember it being that special. 

All I can say is I’m grateful. A lot of people can’t say their first time was that special or that they even really want to remember it. I can truly say that I remember how special I felt and it’s a feeling I haven’t felt very much in my jaded adulthood. 

I guess I haven’t thought about the memory as much as I should have because if I did, I wouldn’t have let people in my life who don’t deserve to be there. 

I’ll always remember Steven for being the first person to show me what it feels like to love. Was it true love? Maybe not. Can we ever really know what true love is in high school before we have even been faced with real life responsibilities? Maybe not. 

But maybe that’s when love is in its’ purest form. And for that I will always be grateful.


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